I used to be obsessed with being right. Being right about the bible, being right about the existence of God, and most of all, being right about proving all the godless unbelievers wrong who dared question my beliefs. A funny thing happened though…. I started to experience the love of the God I had tried so hard to defend. And I stopped caring about being right.
You see, when I saw God as a distant figure, up in Heaven waiting for me to earn my way into his paradise, I felt like I had to defend that he existed because all I felt between me and Him was distance. I saw obligation. He was something that needed proving, defending.
But when I began to actually experience him, I couldn’t find words to prove that it was right. It seemed pointless to try and prove that this was real. It’s the difference between showing a picture of your wife to someone and trying to prove you’re married to her, and looking into her eyes and seeing that you are. One is distant and disconnected, and might even look contrived. The other is sincere, heart-felt, and real.
I still find apologetics interesting. I still believe that God’s principles have very beneficial application even outside the church. I still believe that Jesus’ sacrifice was done in accordance with Hebrew law, and even more so, I still think that the need for salvation is a clear, cogent argument. But if someone doesn’t believe that, what I experience now might be the most convincing thing I could show them.
And I can’t even find words for it.
When I was 19 I found God, Jesus the Holy Spirit and my Savior. I was on fire. I placed Chic Trac’s on cars at the local shopping mall. I debated Jehova’s Witnesses when ever possible. I was Hell bent (funny term) to prove my self worthy to God by one action or demonstration of faith or another. I was one-million percent certain of my faith and was quick to argue points of theology. I was ready to loose everything in this life to get to the next.
Now that I’m 50 and have experience life. I look back and laugh at my foolishness and can feel Gods hand on my shoulder as he laughs with me. I am proof he is long suffering and always there.
I’ve learned to listen for that soft voice that guides me through each day. I have been living in the forge of faith, now being tempered into a useful alloy. I know that it’s not about “Me”. It’s about what I can do in word and deed to make furtile the ground I leave behind.
As a husband and father of six amazing children I also learned that being right wasn’t always as important as being steadfast and consistant. I was always a parent and not a “Pal” to the kids as they grew up. Now I find that they are my most wonderful adult friends that I just happen to have the pleasure of parenting.
I sit in quiet reflection waiting on the voice of guidance and thankful for his promise and the newness of tomorrow.