The End Of Me

It’s so easy to confuse natural, God-given talent, with faith. When faced with a challenge, there’s a critical decision that must be made inside each one of us. “Can I Do This?”

For most of my life, I have been a perfectionist, only participating in activities I knew I could succeed at. To others, it appeared as if I was good at everything I tried. Because of my careful selection of activities, I usually was.

The thoughts that went through my mind, as I evaluated the probability of success went something like this:

  • Can I be good at this?
  • Can I appear good for someone who’s not invested any time?
  • Can I seem funny at it if I’m not good?
  • Will I look stupid?

I was terrified of actually trying my best, and not winning. Or, if I didn’t win, at least getting people to laugh. Losing, and looking weak, or stupid was not an option.

So now, as I’m walking through my 4th decade of life, I like the idea of having faith in God’s ability to do more through me than I’m capable of on my own.

But the measure of this does not lie in the success of things I’m familiar with, but in my willingness to step out of my comfort zone, beyond the end of myself.

There are ideas for things I’ve wanted to try that have been on my mind for over a year. Or two years. And yet, here I sit, doing the same things that I feel good at. Things I’m comfortable with. Things I know how to do.

I’ve reached the end of myself.  I’ve done all I know how to do. The next things seem unfamiliar, and I’m stuck here because I’m scared of the unknown.

This is where the substance of my faith and familiarity with God begins to show. When will I boldly step into the unfamiliar, not because I feel ready, but because I trust that He is capable of guiding me through?

My resolution for 2011 is to boldly fail at something I’m scared to try.

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