I’m starting to realize that I’ll never become the person I’ve always wanted to be. The patient, understanding, and gentle person I’ve always wanted to see in the mirror will never exist. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be that person. I’m learning that when I’m in the presence of God, the fruit of the Spirit multiply whatever patience and gentleness I already have. Step outside of that and it’s back to the old me. And that’s the way it is. Try as I might, I can’t become that person because that involves a change of the heart, and I can’t do that no matter how hard I try. I can act like that person but it won’t be genuine.
Saying goodbye to the journey of fixing myself is bittersweet because I would have loved credit for "working" on my patience, and "developing" an understanding character. I’m faced with the reality that I can live as that person every day in his presence because He makes me into that person when I’m with Him. I’ll never be so patient that I won’t need him anymore. I’ll never be so gentle that I can afford to go it alone.
It seems that the determining factor on how I’ll act on a given day depends more on where I’m at, than how I feel. Am I walking with him right now? Or did I stop being aware of his "with-me-ness" when I left for work? That’s a fundamental change in how I view God so it will be a learning process. My life is the semester, and death is graduation. Until then, class is in session.